the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
