but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
