i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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