my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
