AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
