some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
