I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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