I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It was a blind-side dick pic.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
