My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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