I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
