I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You may now shotgun with the bride
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
