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and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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