Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
