i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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