there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
