Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
