remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
