Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
