I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
