My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
