i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
