My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize