I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
