I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
