I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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