I'm really into asian looking animals
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
