I wannas sexs uuuuu
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
