i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
