I murdered the dance floor call the cops
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
