I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
