I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
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