Jerry, you need to find god
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
