Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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