i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
