my room smells like sperm. sweet.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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