I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
