Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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