So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
