How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
