Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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