i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
