shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
