i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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