Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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