I think I died a long time ago.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
