Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
