I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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