At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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