I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
