how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
