I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
