her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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