I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
