I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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