i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
