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I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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