If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
the raccoons are back...
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