i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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