Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
